just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
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