i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
