I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm determined to sit on that face.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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