I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
