I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
