You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
