dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
