My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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