i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
