Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
