i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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