It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
