i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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