so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
