watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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