Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
