During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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