so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
