my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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