Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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