i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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