i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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