I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
