Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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