I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
