I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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