bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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