our cab driver is having phone sex.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
