i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
