dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
