Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
