Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
