You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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