I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize