I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
