Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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