glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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