I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
