Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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