last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
