is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
