i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
