She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
