Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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