I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
