so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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