i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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