Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
