I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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