he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize