Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
