Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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