I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize