that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize