I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
