I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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